bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
