Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
