a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
