im drinking this country out of the recession.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
