You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i already hear my dad disowning me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
