You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
