Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
