you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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