Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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