On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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