Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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