i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
