I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
