Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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