Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
