At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
