also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
