just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
no you cant smoke seaweed
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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