I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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