Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
