So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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