Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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