Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
