I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize