so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize