i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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