I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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