12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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