I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
God I need to hump something, right now.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
