My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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