allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
