My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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