u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
