If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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