I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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