I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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