Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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