my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
