Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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