I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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