I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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