if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize