Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
