If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i drank out of a bidet.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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