what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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