Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
