Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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