I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
