Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
