I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize