Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
