3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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