I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
