omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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