just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
