I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
